I am afraid of commitment. I have a huge, huge, huge fear of commitment. Mostly because I don't want to be responsible for somebody's happiness. I can't even handle my own happiness, or lack thereof. I don't want someone coming home to me expecting to be taken care of, when I can't even take care of myself.

It used to be that I couldn't see my life without Ben. [Still can't.] But we were young, and kids that young aren't supposed to have all kinds of responsibilities and commitments. Lies were told, promises were broken, I ran. I still run. I don't want to be part of a tainted relationship, even though I know all relationships are tainted. I don't wonder anymore if he loves me or if he'll always be around, because I know he will. He's good at loving me.

But me? I'm not as good at loving him. I don't know how to get over little annoyances or how to compromise. I don't know how to plan for the future, because I can't see past the tears that live in my eyes. I don't know how to make promises because I feel like I'm not a good enough person to promise anyone anything.

So I "maybe later" him through life. And how shitty is that? He believes in us. More than he believes in me. More than he believes in himself. But I can't. I can't promise him anything. I can't even take a day at a time, because I'm too afraid that soon we will all the sudden be years down the line and we'll both have come to rely on each other and we won't be Sara and Ben anymore. We'll be Sara & Ben, and there shouldn't be anything wrong with that, but to me there is.

Because I'm afraid of being Sara with Ben.
And I'm afraid of being Sara.