In response to Amy's newest question... "If you knew you were going to die in twelve months, would you be happy with where you are in life right now? And if not what would you do or change?"

If I were to die in twelve months� my answer would be a resounding �hell no�. I would not be happy one bit with where I am in life right now. Why? Because I have too many wasted opportunities. Too many times I have let the door close on me� or I have reached out and closed a door myself. Let me put it this way. Ever since I was old enough to tie my own shoes, I�ve had an undying love for the military. I knew that one day, I wanted to be someone who wore one of those uniforms. I wanted to step into the shoes of those great heroes before me� I wanted to serve my country and help protect the very same freedoms others before me have fought so hard for. Yet, I knew I was overweight. I have always been that way, and it has always been that way.

I�ve had many a year to try and change that� by exercising� cutting back on food� etc, etc, etc. Yet, I didn�t. I wouldn�t help myself. Until now. I�m not getting any younger� but my dream is still as strong as ever. So far, I have lost 14 lbs� and I have no intention on stopping. I will never be happy with myself until I am in that uniform. Whether I join the Army, Navy, or even Marine Corps, I will not rest until my goal is realized.

But there are many more missed opportunities. My junior year of high school, I took an electricity class� and immediately fell in love. It came naturally to me. The lowest grade I ever received in that class was a 97%. That�s how natural and easy it came to me. So I knew that�s what I wanted to continue with. I took more classes my senior year� and even knew I wanted to go to the University of Evansville (in Indiana) to major in Electrical Engineering. And that�s what I set out to do. But halfway into my first semester, I dropped out� and I�ve just sort of been floating around ever since.

I moved back home, and took a temporary holiday job at Wal-Mart to earn some extra money. Then, that spring, I enrolled in the local community college where I thought I wanted to receive an associates in Electronics Technology. I loved the electronics technology classes I took� but a year later, I dropped out of the program. I almost dropped out of college completely� but I took one class to keep me as a student. Why? Because I work as a student worker in the computer lab as a lab assistant. It�s a great job, and it�s the job I still have. Anyway, that was last spring. During the summer, I suddenly thought I wanted to become an RN. So, I enrolled into the Certified Nursing Assistant class (which is needed before you can enroll into the RN program), and passed that.

On with my reasons. Right up until a week ago, I kept on with the RN thing� but I dropped it. Why? Because one of the classes required before you can actually start taking the nursing classes is �Strategies for College�. That class insulted my intelligence. It was developed for people who are in college for the first time� or who are returning after a long absence. Why is it needed? Because the nursing program is a really hard one here at the college, and they want to be sure people know how to study, keep themselves healthy, etc, etc, etc. I�ve been going to college long enough to know all that all ready. So, anyway, now I�m enrolled in the EMT-B class with hopes of passing the class, then passing the state certification test.

So that�s a bit on why I wouldn�t be happy with my life so far. I missed out on far to many opportunities� I�ve closed far too many doors. But there�s still more. I�ve shut myself off to the world in a way. I�ve turned my back on love. I� run away from it. Why? Because I�ve been hurt too many times. Oh too often, I have been lied to. And it all started my sophomore year of high school with a guy named Jim. I had the biggest crush on him. So, I told him� and he was very nice about it. As well, I asked him to the �Sadie Hawkins� dance. He said he had to ask his parents� but he figured it would be a yes. Anyway, a few days later, he said they wouldn�t let him go. Guess what? After the dance, I found out he went with another girl� and was now dating her. After he said I had been the first to ask� yadda, yadda, yadda.

But that�s not all. Later, I met a guy named John� and he was all sweet and such. But he moved to Georgia. Anyway, we remained in touch� and eventually, he kept telling me we were dating� but he had never asked me� nor had I ever agreed. Sure, that would have been cool and all� but after he joined the Army� he changed� becoming worse than he was before. He kept calling� and trying to get me to talk dirty to him over the phone and do the whole phone sex thing� and I wouldn�t. I kept making up excuses and hanging up� eventually, I started dodging his calls all together. I still see him online every now and then in a chat room (Star Wars)� and I won�t respond to him. I also ignore him on AIM and ICQ.

That�s why I turned my back on love. It just never worked out for me� or I�d open myself up, and I�d get hurt. Andrew hurt me� and so did Ben as well. I opened myself to them� and it wasn�t pretty. Anyway, then along comes Joey and Nancy. They�re two of my online friends� but two people I also still want to meet. Both of them care deeply for me� and Nancy even had a crush on me (she still does). Joey�s� well, Joey. If she wasn�t dating Ray, she said she�d be with me in a heartbeat. But I�m still skeptical.

Anyway, that�s virtually why I wouldn�t be happy with my life if I where to die in twelve months. There�s just no way I could come to terms with what I have done� with the way I lived my life. I�ve hurt far too many people� including myself. I still have to make amends. There are just too many loose ends left to tie before I can honestly say I�m happy with the way I lived my life.

I know the road is still long and hard� but it�s a road I must travel� a road I �will- travel. When I realize my lifelong goal� when I�m wearing that uniform� my life will be complete. I can be left without someone to love for the rest of my life� but I will always have that dream in my hands. The one goal I once thought was too far to reach. It�s also a matter of finally finding my niche in life� finding out who I am. Sitting there in that recruiter�s office really made me feel at home. Watching war movies� watching videos at the recruiters� never have I felt more comfortable with myself. I think that�s who I am� and I must find out. When I do� I will finally be happy with my life. Whether or not love finds a way in� it�s not of any real importance to me.

Now back to your regularly scheduled programming.