Excluding a 15 minute visit this past May (during which, I stood across the room), I haven't spoken to my father in over three years. (Christmas Day 1998, to be exact). Before that, I hadn't spent 24 hours with him since I was 7 or younger. We used to kiss good-bye after each visit. It always felt strange and forced. I can't remember the last time I hugged him. I have only one picture of just me and him, and it's a polaroid. His touch, a father's touch, is an absence in my life and to my body.

I don't hug my mom. I don't kiss my mom. I don't touch my mom. I don't love my mom. I know she longs to touch me. I know she wishes I'd hug her. But I can't do it, and I don't know why. Most days, I feel a mother was absent from my life...in the emotional sense, not the physical sense. I don't have a mother's touch for my body.

I've kissed two boys, and haven't had any sort of romantic contact since 1999.

I hug friends, but I feel myself holding back, a lot. I've had a LOT of friends reject affection, and I've grown accustom do that, despite new friendships.

Sometimes, I'll accidentally brush my hand. I'll realize I don't ever feel that touch and that I like it. I'll take one hand in the other just to know how it feels.

My body misses human contact, but I can't seem to find someone to give it to me regularly.

-M